sat 733pm
been writing in other places.
but tonight is the night I’ll write here.
I’m livid. I’m beyond livid. I’m so angry at everyone yet just realized only angry with myself
at least bonnie had a successful birth today, and I hope they name the child Nika. Then it would be Nika and Mila. And it makes me think fondly of my friend Nika.
SO I don’t know if you noticed in the first 5 episodes but I have some mental disorders, and haven’t released in a while so this episode is a very special journey. We are going to help solve my mental issues throughout the course of this episode, so that future episodes can be more that classic paleblue.fm format that we all love and get spine shivers from.
But that’s not this
Let’s start this episode with a prayer.
So the following is an open dialogue to God. I’m 27
Dear God, as you may better than me what I don’t have, including but not limited to: What I don’t have
I don’t have: health insurance a job a stable mental state
I have:
50+k in debts, including but not limited to:
a maxed out credit card
defaulted on student loans
2 grand to parents
and thousands to various friends
I have a dream
my dad has stage four melanoma and is declining noticably each day.
I don’t have the means to help because I hate money
through my art I’ve seen too much and I want to see more but have become stuck
and I’m going to own up to it
it’s my doing
if someone is at fault, it is I
It’s my fault I think satan invented the word of God
it’s my fault I hate money
it’s my fault I release all my art and work for free including methodologies
it’s my fault I’m in so much debt
it’s my fault my mouth has gotten me into so much trouble
it’s my fault I don’t trust anything in the news
it’s my fault I think working for retirement is crazy
it’s my fault I eat the same cancerous materials that gave my dad cancer
it’s my fault I haven’t been releasing episodes
it’s my fault these 30 songs I wrote haven’t been released
it’s my fault I have depression, a manic tempurament, paranoid, and brief periods of Psychosis
it’s my fault I think it’s hard to find someone thinking clearly
it’s my fault I hate banks
it’s my fault I hate fast food chains
it’s my fault I despise shopping
it’s my fault I believe neverland exists
it’s my doing
it’s all my doing
all of this
and I need to take responsibility for it
this is officially an apology God,
I’m sorry for hurting so many people
I’m sorry that alcohol tastes like water to me
I’m sorry I work all the time and have nothing but sound
and video and words to give from it
I’m soprry I hate money
I’m sorry its my dream to create mass media
it’s my fault that mass media is controlled by 6 for profit corporations
at least it seems like I hurt them
because we haven’t spoken in so long
and this is how low a human being can go sometimes,
but there is hope
because I’m speaking right now
on the next episode of paleblue.fm
and we are going to change the format a little bit
as I climb out of this hole
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2006
20 yaht six
what do I keep writig
when I’m out of words
cause if most media is owned by 6 people
for profit
the world reflects that
why aren’t there any media conglomorates
that produce all media as
ad free nonprofit for the people?
that’s my real question
I don’t understand
that leads me to another unpopular belief
I find it absurd to sell music
you can have all my music always free
just don’t go and sell it or slightly alter it and sell it idk
It’s my fault I’m stubborn about my beliefs
it’s my fault my dad’s dying of cancer and I don’t have money to make him more comfortable
it’s my fault I hate money
it’s my fault I think I was born in the wrong time
it’s my fault I see guns on my head everyday whenever I close my eyes
It’s my fault I don’t want to die
it’s my fault I’ll never kill myself
it’s my fault I find it absurd to sell music
to sell art at all
you should just gift artists
and no sale is about it
but call me a purist
it’s my fault that the invention of the word of God sounds like Satan’s work
its my fault
and I’ll own up to it
it’s my fault I haven’t finished my book
it’s my fault I might’ve lost it in the first place
it’s all just simply, my fault
it’s my fault that my religion
my religion summed up in 1 sentence
is more women in power
it’s my fault I think corporations should only last as long as the lifespan of the founder
it’s my fault that I believe everyone in America that is smart should take advantage of the credit system, incur as much debt as possible by purchasing equipment (link here) that brings them the power to produce their own food and tools, and to focus on their local community
it’s my fault that I believe we need to bring manufacturing to the household in America instead of overseas
it’s my fault I don’t like ‘free’ Americans being treated like cattle
it’s my fault I don’t like that other’s gain from someone eating poisonous food, other’s gain from medication for coping with the poisonous lifestyle, and then again gaining for the cancer and other treatments all at a premium. It’s my fault that that sounds worse than being treated like cattle. I’d rather be treated like cattle!
and building militias that help with that
It’s my fault I believe I’m the exception
that someone will just magically save me one day
is it a disney on vhs upbringing that brought me there ?
some west coast cal
it’s my fault that over 90% of the media on Earth is owned by 6 individuals, and occurs mostly for profit.
it’s my fault that my dream is to produce media for the people
it’s all my fault !
and God I can’t stand it anymore!
what do I do!
I have 5 episodes of a podcast done
charlotte said it’s the best she’s heard in 5 years at Stanford
its all for you
all my work
is
at the end of the day for you
and I know you’ll take care of me
cause we’ve spoken twice
and call me schizophrenic
I don’t care
I made a new genre of music
called schizop
and you gottta pay a price for making something good
so even before my first schizop album is released
I thank you God
cause I love doing it
and I’m going to keep going
and you’re going to take my dad
and it looks like there’s nothing I can do at this point
except spend as much time as I can with him
and you gave my dad cancer
becuase you made this world
and you will take me too
and I still love you
I love you more than I love myself
and so I pray
I’m not even asking for anything
this is just a status report!
I’ll keep making for you
and you find ways to keep me alive
it’s during these times of deep need
morale is a joke to me
I don’t need it
I know you m
and I know although I’ll probably die in a ditch
I loved you and my work loves you
the whole time
so don’t even help me
I’m glued to the floor
I’m not as strong as I thought I was
but these prayers help
cause I haven’t told anyone but you
already know
God you don’t like requests
like a great DJ
great DJs know what to play
thats most of the work
what vibes to give off
and although you challenge me
beyond my capacity
and I’m beyond repair
my life’s dream
my life’s work
my goals
my destiny
is in tact
and although my body will give up first
my mind will give up second
my spirit never considered it
is my relationship to you
and they say I forget who they is but ‘they’ say
a faith without trial is a dead faith
and I blindly know you’re with me
don’t need faith
yet it’s not dead
just perfected
throw me in front of a firing squad
and I’ll say the same
not that I want to die
it’s just this pressure in my head
forces visualizations of guns on my head
on the daily and that was part of the cost
of making something so perfect
as poliw.at
I love you god
I love you more than I love myself
I love you God!
and even though this is my lowest low
I already know
the next will be harder
and so in my current state
of a lowest low
I thank you God
I love you
and I work for you
let’s make the world a better place together
embrace the shadow just to leverage it
all of us have shadows in us
it’s not in a singular profession or race
all of us bath in shadows
from time to time mate
that we know
and I don’t believe in you
so thank you
and now we can continue my secular podcast
and that’s what it is!
the podcast has been completely secular up to this point
maybe some tape of some religious people
but not me
and I don’t want to push any religious agenda
I really stick to my guns
when it comes to religious freedom
worship fire hydrants if you like yellow so much!
I mean it’s funny
you shouldn’t judge
and I have a fatalist approach to my relationship with God
cause personally
I can’t not see him
even in the most vile acts
and the whole ‘worshipping of incorrect dieties’
that’s Satan’s most pleb shit he ever came up with
that I know
cause God talked to me twice
and my girlfriend’s agnostic
and I don’t mind!!!
that’s the thing
it doesn’t matter what you believe
it’s only the actions that are good evidence
if you’re good in the end
and that’s why my work is focused on human centric thought
cause we all have many many thoughts
and hh is how we control our thoughts
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his side of the family hthey all give up
my mom said
so I’ll make sure
I never give up
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