listening to the new four tet album

Who e=mc^2 I call when I’m depressed?

I woke up from 3 bad dreams on the trampoline. I’m feeling quite lonely. My dad is cursing and is angry about being late to work. The moment he comes home from his job he turns off and veggetizes. We rarely play music together.

Why should I feel depressed? I successfully launched two sites and applied to about 30 jobs yesterday. You know what, this feeling is fleeting I’m not going to get into it. This journal needs less words, more audio.

Just threw a dead rat in the trash that was missing it’s head - a gift from one of the cats. I fed Mia wet food late last night so I think it was her doing.

My blue funk is bad, but I can work through it at this point. Last night was another story. I have to quit at about midnight, bouncing samples and emptying SD cards. I can grab endorphins from working out soon when it becomes too much. But first going to build a poliwat sample kit!

Friday 123PM

I think meditators are junkies

It’s not going well

I want to kill myself

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Mila my niece just a baby why hashtag anything but climatechange

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chomsky type beats

living in a chomsky

1004 PM

Paul and I are memorizing this

11 45 PM

I’m not going to log the things I don’t want to read in the future today

I was thinking of a past experience, a near death experience car

Got to hear a recording of Władysław Szpilman, polish pianist and composer (who that film The Pianist (2000) is based off of).

1147 pm

okay I’m stupid tired. Stupid as in I’ve been fading out the past half hour while cleaning up the studio, brushing teeth…. but there was a lot I wanted to share today. I’ll give the run down

0. I took a perfectly suicidal day and turned it into something beautiful

Did the hardest workout in a week

Made this track:

Got great mila bonnie paul tape (will use+og later)

mila crying, check!

  1. Straight anguish today. I was mentally useless, the taste for lead in my skull was overpowering. Knowing this feeling was fleeting, I worked any task that would achieve too things / entertain me and be productive. I dove deeper into the twitch live streaming setup, and cleaned up a lot of audio. Oh I made this. It started from when Peter played my desk with some planks of wood and a drumstick. I looped it and threw some sampled piano chords I made on the piano here. I wrote some lines over it, and this sort of track will be in the poliwat vest, so I’m making a like 8-bar loop version of it.

      I'm a sucka for hyrule herb, red alert, a quick jab,
      a bad meme, a cute cat
      a girl that makes art with her hands yeah
      like my mom who writes 20 post it notes a day
      alcoholic but I saw the pattern then I trained
      my mental
      screaming I'd walk the plank for my dreams
      type fuck
      bare feet on the coffee table
      high life like roller coaster
      no coasters for dad's coronas
      the lows worth the highs
      the highs come in 50 flavors
      I fifty shades of pride
      fifty shades of mike
      I fifty shades of die
      couldn't curb my taste for a glock 9
      to save my life
      millimeter by the caliber, I measure
      toss a pun in the chamber, remember
      oh god when will I outgrow
      this taste for lead in my skull
    
  2. Today I realized I can never kill myself because I’m a disciple of David Dunn. Only he doesn’t know that. hehe. But really he is my main mentor. The material I’ve learned from him is worth more than my life, and I happen to have both. You don’t just learn this sort of stuff and walk away. I must continue my work!

  3. I forgot number 3

  4. If I happen to have a crush wouldn’t I write about it here? But what if they saw?

  5. More job hunting stuff - have a little phone interview for a SF studio! Also a lot of rejections but good responses on my portfolio site HA

Being yourself is refreshing, instead of that mindless drone noise that comes out of people’s mouths when they talk

6.

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2017-09-29 09:18:01 -0700 -0700

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