Thursday 114 PM

Dear parents,

I declare myself in a state of emergency!

I have managed to shower, eat well, work and play so far. Today is day 1 of complete sobriety.

We are having this meeting because you expressed concern. That’s great! Because I could really use some help.

One must listen before they help, so I wrote down an overview of my work.

I feel overwhelmed, and you will soon see why.

I have -57 in my bank account, unknown credit card payments and other money due. I don’t want to go back to my old web dev job because it wasn’t taking me anywhere.

I’m looking at my options.

I am almost done with my book,
have the makings for starting a nonprofit,
have the play to finish,
have the weekly podcast to work on tomorrow ( but I won't be able to make it )

All the connections I’ve made over the past 2 months have been priceless, and I don’t want to let them go, but it’s going to take a cost.

A huge cost.

I need to finish my last class at ucsc, which I intend on doing in the spring ( with a vehicle ).


Today however is the first day I nailed the list of my ritual, and now will document every single day if I’m able to get the list done. The list is as follows

  1. Read
  2. Write
  3. Clean
  4. Critters
  5. Play
  6. Nature
  7. Dance
  8. Work
  9. Music
  10. Memorize
  11. Move

It took years to get this list down. I want to make an infographic going into more detail about each item.

-=-=-=-= -=-=-=-= -=-=-=-= -=-=-=-=

I feel rejected by society

I will not always feel rejected by society

but that is how I feel, have felt, and will feel

That is, until I get more leverage over my situation.

How can I do that when I see things too clearly?

Borrowing from the guide I wrote myself, the next lesson is in the action, always. I need to queue up more actions in order to manage this.

I looked into getting a car and driving Lyft / Uber.

I have been designing my earths for the lasercutter.

I have been thinking about making the brochure for Omari.

Where I’m at:

The play will be finished by the end of January.

I need to go to SC to find out which class / how much it will cost /
seek advisement from my counselor Bob

My book is almost complete.

I am sad

I have depression

I have cultivated addictions in order to deal with my depression

My depression is birthed from the idea that the world is messed up

and I want to help, but am unable to make a difference.

The addictions arise when I need to continue working on something,

but require less inhibitions in my actions, therefore I justify the

use by treating it as a tool. Tools are meant to be used, abused,

broken, and built.

I have depression because there is no societal safeguard for people

like me. I have always felt out of place with all institutions.

I have met a diverse group highly educated, smart, and rich humans.

And I have always been disappointed. Everyone on this planet is

clueless, always.

So if all humans are clueless, the strategy then is to

locate the mentor in everyone, and therefore collect mentors in


These are my latest mentors:

Asim (pronounced Awesome)  - Retired Electrical Engineer.
All my circuit projects, I can talk to him. I see him every Monday.

Tom - Has two podcast shows and a successful Architecture Consultancy business. My Producer mentor. I see him every Friday.

A shopping mall


I have looked high and low. Salvation is gone, gone, gone! Salvation is out for cigs, and may come back if I do something with my life.

If you were to write your own bible, what would it look like?

Well my bible would present itself as a composition, and read like a manual. By reading my bible you would become the musician, performing the waltz of your own life until the end of your days.

The bible would be a living document, open source and free at all times. Any human would be able to contribute to it via the politics of Github.

My book would use self-interest as the main tool to persuade the reader. Self interest in that the art of loving one’s self, is also the art of loving others around you.

My book, entitled Love is Capital is a manual on how to live in the 21st century. I imagine the book is sort of a guide for my future self.

It’s an agnostic behavior bible that uses ethos, pathos, logos in order to

Ultimately it’s an economic approach to love.

The content of the book is held in 3 parts:




I make too many associations too quickly, and marijuana / alchohol slow that down so I can live more easily.

Climate change is a large shadow over my head, and most employment options are

I am considering rehab
I am considering this book as rehab


laser cut - more puzzles granny liked the puzzles

My Lowest Low 2

2017-11-30 13:14:20 -0800 -0800

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