Dear mom and bonnie,
I love you, I want to support yo both,
but I'm clearly adding stress to both of your lives.
I came here to help dad, I was hoping to stay a few weeks,
maybe up to xmas to show support and for us to grieve together.
It's too short a time to rent somewhere else in the area,
and I need to be in the city to move my career forward.
This whole experience made me want to work reall hard,
and be financially stable, and I can't do that
I respect that you both need your space to grieve,
but it means there's no space for me to grieve here.
I understand you have good reason to be angry at me,
because of my past there's a lot of bad blood.
I was working and saving in Chicago, and spent a chunk
of that to fly over emergency to take care of dad.
I'm glad I did but it was really hard. I feel like
you think I was checking out at the end - I wasn't I was just
exhausted and wanted others to spend the night
because I was terrified of being the only one there when he died,
and I was. I just need my mom and sister, and it breaks my heart.
I'm not feeling welcome here at this critical time.
It would be best if we could all grieve together.
But I need to give you the space to forgive me.
I know I did wrong, I'm sorry for my past actions, but I can only
make up for my past if you let me. And not expect me to fuck up.
We need a clean slate. I don't want to fuck you over in any way.
I don't want to feel like the family crackhead when my dad just died.
In my ideal world, us three should be spending time together
because we all feel the same grief. I respect you both need to
grieve in your own way. I feel deeply hurt how you've both treated me
since dad passed, and I forgive you both, and I love you,
but I need to leave and show support in other ways.
Hopefully you can forgive me too.
Also my three month goals/intentions are:
(will write later)
Dear Mom and Bonnie
2019-11-22 13:05:08 -0800 -0800